This whole time I’ve been sick, I managed to drink about 15 Gatorades, Snapples and Arizona teas a day, resulting in an absurd stack of empty bottles I set aside to recycle. I haven’t seen many homeless people in Santa Monica yet, but if they do exist, one’s about to hit the jackpot.
Prior to this near-death experience I’ve enjoyed the past week, I wasn’t much of a Snapple fan but it gave me an excuse to try the unnecessary amount of flavors they’ve come up with. I say “unnecessary” because for the most part, each one of them tastes exactly the same (though, my recent lack of taste might allude to that statement). But obviously the flavors weren’t what kept feeding my recent Snapple addiction, it was the bottle caps.
When you’re sick, it doesn’t take much to create excitement. Like the ability to actually smell the soup you’re forcing down your mug. Or the realization that tonight you just might not have to sleep with your mouth wide open. Or the power to get up off of the couch without spending 15 minutes mentally bitching about it first.
So it’s understandable that the unpredictable (and fairly useless) facts underneath the Snapple bottle caps have added a little spark to my days – sad, I know. But I’ve learned that in a year, the average person walks four miles making their bed. I now know that children grow faster in the spring and that flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp. Snapple taught me that a duck’s quack doesn’t echo and that the average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her lifetime. Unsurprisingly, since it relates to my own memory, I was also reminded that a goldfish’s attention span is three seconds. That one I knew so I was a little cocky for a minute or two.
But I finally returned to work today (sigh) and as I cracked open yet another cranberry raspberry diet Snapple, I was speechless when a colleague told me that not every “real fact” on the Snapple bottle caps are true. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t “real fact” mean it’s a REAL FACT?
I felt like I was cheated on. Like I had been manipulated by big box marketing or controlled by Snapple’s evil empire. I immediately remembered that strange red headed woman that used to be on all of the Snapple commercials and thought about sending her hate mail.
I’m done with Snapple and their lies.
Absolutely not will I go to the Snapple website to figure out which facts are “real facts” and which are real shams. And no, I will not fall prey to whatever new BS flavor comes from “the best stuff on Earth.” Yeah, I’m a little bitter, so what? I’d really like to know if a sneeze travels out of your nose at 100 mph. But I guess I won’t be finding out anytime soon, thankyouverymuch.
